Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Monday, September 07, 2015

Person in the Mirror

I'm working in still being able to smile regardless of how disappointed I am to what I see in a full length mirror.

Showers, baths and Fatness

 Today I realized that my weight, my fatness has taken away one is my greatest pleasure; taking a bath/shower.

Carrying this extra weight has made it so tiring to bathed, to contortion to shave, to bend down to scrub legs and feet and to even attempt to reach my back is out of the question and the sad part of having tomorrow rolls to wash under them 😥 I could go a weekend without taking a shower and recently, I started to take a shower Monday, Wednesday & Friday during a work week.

Today I realized it's because the process makes me so tired how sad is that?

I used to love taking long hot baths, now my body doesn't really fit in a bathtub and squaring in and out of a bathtub is hard for me now. I have to put some thought into how I going to get up and not fall.

The one good thing I find in this very sad realization is that I realized the loss. It see now another thing this fatness has cost me and I want to be able to take an enjoyable bath again.

Thursday, July 09, 2015

The devil on your shoulder can be evil!

My first day in Kitosis was great until I got home. The Teriyaki Chicken Sub I hadn’t eaten for dinner the night before was calling my name and to be completely honest I only fought it for about half an hour. So I ate a 6 inch with extra sugary teriyaki sauce and since for some reason I was jonesing for sugar I had a bowl and a half of Fruitloops. 

So I was fine for the rest of the night, I resisted Costco Pizza and then I saw a bag of chips. So I had snack size Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion AND Cheeto’s. I wasn’t craving salt, the chips didn’t even taste good, I didn’t even enjoy them but I ate them.

This morning I lazily prepared my food for the day, I really didn’t want to but just because I had a bad night I wasn’t going to throw the towel (like every other single time.) So I made 2 of the meals, the protein shake and the green tea.

I did have a rather proud moment, had an appointment with the pain management doctor this morning, & had a little time to kill so I went to Walgreen’s. The first thing I wanted to do was go get a Hostess Yellow Cupcake, and then maybe a candy, if not maybe just something that is not protein and loaded with sugar and carbs BUT I did what I went to do and resisted.  Same thing at Ralph’s.  I wanted to dip my face in frosting heaven, I was already talking myself into it.

“No one will know”

“You already screwed up yesterday”

“You know you are not going to do all 7 days”

“You are going out of town tomorrow, you know you not going to do this.”

“Just start on Monday again.”

I fought hard, and actually talked back to that voice in my head.

Now, I still have a few hours for the rest of the day, and I’m going out of town tomorrow & have a few things to do after work.  I know that I’m not going to stick with the meal plan, I should be optimistic and say yes, I will conquer, I will win BUT I’m being realistic and not setting myself up for a huge failure.  I’ll just make a much better eating choice when I eat out.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Using side effects to my advantage

Well, I found yet another excuse as to why exactly I can’t change my eating habits, go to the gym or lose weight. 
I was finally able to go see a pain management doctor, and was told that one of the side effects on what I was prescribed is that I would gain weight. So guess what I did … it was the PERFECT EXCUSE.  So I gained 5 pounds and tipped the scale at 235.
So this went on for two months, and I’m still hating the way I look, dress, eat, blah blah blah. I had to have a conversation with myself.  Just because it’s one of the side effects, it doesn’t mean I have to gorge on food.  So I might not lose weight, but I also wont keep gaining weight and I’ll get healthy on the inside.
 SO … tomorrow I start kitosis.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

41st Birthday

I'm typically huge on celebrating birthdays and making a big fuss about them but this year I'm just not feeling it.

I can't even figure out why.

I mean I'm typically really good at faking it. I can fake joy, the excitement, and just go with it and pretend to have an awesome day but this year I just don't even want to fake it. I just don't want to celebrate.

Okay, so maybe I kind of do know what this fog is all about. I'm just not where I want to be physically and as I'm getting older and every year I vow that next year I'm getting fit and well I'm just getting bigger in size. 

AND I still haven't figured out how to make me happy without food.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Still don't like the person in the mirror

The day after my last post I was in a pretty bad car accident and it took me a little bit of time to recover from it physically and even longer to recover from it mentally.

The accident became my life.

Tons of doctor and therapy appointments. For months, no one was figuring out what was wrong with me (I have limited mobility on my right side.) 

It was all I talked about
It was all the consumed my mind
It made me angry
It made me nervous

It took me off my game plan because well I had an excuse of why I wasn't eating better, why I wasn't going to the gym, why I wasn't taking care of myself.    It gave me an excuse!

During this time frame, the loosing weight plan was in the back of my mind. There were days I tried to do something about it and I was serious about it and then a little something would happen and I'd be back in my comfort zone indulging on food. 

And because I do want to change, I want to be fit and healthy and I want to take pride on myself again, I'm going to start today on my 41st birthday.  I'm going to give myself the gift of health and fitness.  I'm still going on with stuff from the accident but I'm going to pray to be able to keep that stress separate from this goal.

I was thinking that if I actually hit my ultimate weight goal of 130 pounds, that would be a 100 pound loss. I've always wanted that title, Oh I lost 100 pounds, A hundred pounds ago blah blah blah.  I feel it's a stupid goal, but it's my thing.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Person in the mirror

I've still haven't figured out how I am going to deal with my emotions of being thin but I just know that I have to loose this weight.

I need it for my health, but my driving force at this moment is to find a man :) Hey whatever is driving this motivation is okay, as long as the bus is being driven.

It's time to move on and start dating, time to leave my past where it belongs and stop constantly steering it up.  BUT there is a hitch in this plan - in my distorted brain I can't start dating or searching for a man due to my current weight or appearance.  I know, that a relationship is not built on looks blah blah blah BUT I don't feel comfortable in my clothes or let alone naked.  So if I don't feel comfortable how am I going to be comfortable around a new man?

So in my brain, I need to get down to 180, that's a 50 pound loss.  Maybe if I get to 200 it might change my views but 180 is what's in my brain at the moment.

See this person that stares at me in the mirror

I don't care for her very much.

All I see is the same hair do that she has worn for years, the frumpy clothes, the messed up bra, and the fat rolls.  So because of that, I try to avoid looking at her, and just maybe that is why I hadn't really realized how bad I had let myself go.  I used to like to look at myself. I used to like the shoes I wore. I used to like how I dressed. I used to love my hair.  I need to get back to having those feelings again.


So, for about 2 weeks now, I have started to implement some changes in my life.

Increased Water intake 

I knew that it wouldn't be an easy thing to remember to drink the 3 liters I need per day.  So since I'm sort of a task oriented person (love to cross things off to-do list) I created reminders on my work calendar.

Every half hour, I get a reminder to gulp gulp, and it's been working out great Monday - Friday.  I drink about 2 liters of water at work and attempt to do the other litter at him.

Light Exercise

So with the water intake, I've been having to go pee a lot so I started to do some exercises while I'm in there :)

20 punches while sitting on the toilet and after I wash my hands I do 10 standing side-crunches per side.


According to the scale at work, I've lost 2 pounds in the past 2 weeks.
I haven't changed my diet that drastically but I'm considering to start meal prepping and hopefully I will have a good weight loss by the end of the year.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Acceptance is key

I've been on the path to figuring out my "Why" for my weight loss. The journey started a few months prior to my vaginal discharge incident but there was no urgency to start.

Then somehow I realized that the discharge could happen again. And all because this fatness is not allowing me to properly wipe my vajayjay - it's like no!

I am not going to be having a stinky vajayjay, not if I want to find me a man. NO!

Then the urgency set it because I started to realize the other things the fatness has taken away. So I just have to clunker down and accept a whole bunch of shit.

I have to accept the fact that I am fat 
I have to accept all of my flaws
I have to accept all of my insecurities
I have to accept that this is going to make me happy
I have to accept that there will be pervy men out there
I have to accept that I am the one that controls how to deal with them
I have to accept it all

In my quest for some divine knowledge in figuring out why some are successful at permanent weight loss,while others keep on the yo yo path - I have come to realize I need to know my why and to dig deep into my soul to get the answer.

Well I think in my case it's not figuring out the why I want to loose the weight but the why I keep the weight on.

Here are My Weigh-loss Issues

1. The fear of dirty men being attracted to me.
I was a an extremely beautiful little girl and because of that men would think it was okay for them to make obscene gestures and comments at me - at 5 years of age men would actually show me their penis. In my teenage years men would do cat calls (one offered to give me $ for sex as I was walking home from school.)   Even now as an adult, cat calls just make me cringe and can take me to a dark place.

 2. Growing-up people would always comment on how beautiful I was, and instead of being flatter I would get very uncomfortable - I did not want that kind of attention. 

My sisters made me feel ashamed for being the pretty green eyed / curly hair / blonde sister. They would just always make rude comments about it. I know (hope) now that it was not done with ill intent but being ridicule for being pretty took an effect on me. Then there was my aunt who raise me, that from as far back as I could remember, engrained in my brain that because I was so pretty men just wanted to do evil things to me and I should never be alone with one.

3. My exes’ insecurities about men being attracted to me. I would be so scared if I would look attractive and that would cause someone to pay me a compliment.  That compliment would fuel his insecurity and take it out on me.  Telling me I wanted the guys to check me out, that I didn't even look nice so what were they thinking, to flat out ignoring me for days or the favorite one which was to get wasted and then leaving me to deal with the effects of that. I lived 20 years with that.

4. I just always seem (or at least I feel) I am the blunt of jokes with my mother and sister. Comments are made because I am too fat, because I am losing weight, the clothes that I wear, the way I laugh, the way.... Well according to them it just seems that there is a problem with everything I am.

So, I have to dig and find out how to deal with being pretty. How to deal with other's insecurities. How to deal with men's attention. How to just deal with my life.

How to wipe your butt

Part of me is rolling my eyes at myself as I type this post because I've said this a gazillion times and swear up and down that this is it.  "This times is different.  This time I am going to lose the weight. I am going to do it this time."

Yeah, I am 100% positive that those words have been typed over and over again on this blog (and the countless other blogs I have created) 

BUT I believe this might really be it and it’s all thanks to a vaginal infection.


The fatness - that is consuming my body - has taken away how to properly wipe my ass.
Due to the fatness I can't reach my vajayjay in order to be able to wipe from the front to the back.

Yeah, it sounds like a laughable subject BUT I really don’t want to have that type of vaginal discharge ever again.