Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Odd Man Out

Easter 2010
The resemblance between my sisters and I are seen by a lot but I just don't see it. Maybe it's because I've always felt like the odd man out.* As a child, I was the really light skin one with curly hair and the only one of my sibling with green/hazel eyes.

September 2007
When I see pictures of us, I always cringe.  The first reason is because well I'm the heaviest and second reason is because they are always so put together and I'm not. In seeing this years picture my mind went into over drive in finalizing my "Drab to MILF** Project." I no longer want to be the frumpy one in the pictures!

What exactly is the "MILF Project" you may ask, well it's just basically creating a sexy mama. I've never been a girly girl. Never learned how to apply make-up (seriously, I look like a clown sometimes.) I hardly wear earrings or any jewelry for that matter. My wardrobe consist of a lot of hand me downs and really washed out clothes. I did try to learn and I think I was doing okay during high school, when I think most girls learn to dress up and all that, but I became pregnant soon after high school and entered into a 19 year relationship in which my self esteem took a beating. 

This is so not the blog to bash him, but I do think you need a little bit of history on it. 
I've realized and have come to terms with the fact that I have always had a low self esteem (which I am currently working on fixing). I have always wanted people's approval and love and have allowed many things to happen because I don't like thinking that someone doesn't like me.  So in this relationship I allowed a lot of what happened for many reason but the main reason was that I wanted to stay in it for the "love" and going along with his way of thinking was so much easier to give into it than to fight.  Some small examples are that if I dressed up, or wore make-up or started to loose weight he would start making comments that I was doing it for another man, but yet at other times he would criticized me because I didn't take pride in my appearance. Also, if I bought make-up, clothes, shoes, dyed/cut my hair I'd get a guilt trip on how that money would of been better spent on the family.  THANKFULLY I know now these are his insecurities not mine and this is so not how I want to live my life but it is 19 years of reprogramming, because I have found myself feeling guilt after buying me a pair of shoes.

Shortly after we split off, I took a hard look at myself in the mirror and knew this is not the person I wanted to be.  I started toying with the concept of a project because I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it in a snap of a finger, Developing a new look is going to take time for someone who lasted months without plucking her eyebrows. The name of the project came to me because well who doesn't want to be a MILF and just about every time I tell people I have an 18 year old son I am told I don't look old enough to have a child that old.

Now, I haven't finalized the outline of the project, a timetable for it. I do want to take pictures along the way to show the progress but my daughter is always misplacing it.  The Make It or Break It challenges came from this concept too and know that for this to take I have to create a lot of new habits. (I also have pictures to post about this, but I don't have the memory card right now.)

* I've always felt like the the milk man daughter.
**MILF is Mother I would Like to Fuck

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