Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

To many points

I've been trying to figure out in what direction I want this blog (my life) to go. If you have ever perused over my blog you can definitely tell I have gone over many themes/schemes/ideas but have never stuck to a particular thing for an extended amount of time.

Yes I know this is my blog and I can go from Point A to Point D, back to Point B and then maybe skip a few Points and go back to A.  BUT in all honesty I don't like it, and that's has a deeper meaning to I just don't like the flow of my blog.  I don't like how I personally can't stick to one thing and follow it through to the end.  I know the reasons are very deep within me but that just a whole other post for a different blog.

Anywhoo, I'm still trying to figure out what direction I want to take. 
Here is what I do know.
  1. I want to focus on my weight loss
  2. I want to do the journey with Weight Watchers
    1. In the long run I would like to work for Weight Watchers
  3. I can't find the motivation to exercise, and I feel bad 'cuz of it.
  4. My relationships with a lot of people are taking a toll on me and it's weighing me down.
  5. I need to learn to say FUCK IT, and live my life for me.
  6. I have the idea that blogging on a regular basis would be good for me.
  7. I need to learn not to feel guilty for taking me time.
  8. I need to save money
Now, these are the things that I know but I'm trying to figure out how to implement all of them into my life.

Friday, August 03, 2012

I'm Back

Took a much longer break from the blog than I would have liked. So much has happened these last 4 months.

One the GOOD NEWS front

I got a new job!
It was a long time coming but I had to finally take the bull by the horns and make it my bitch. I decided and put into action no longer living in fear of the unknown - I'm a grown ass women that simply can not live her life as a frighten child.

I was miserable at the previous job from day 1 and let me tell you that from day 1 at the new job I was walking on cloud 9.

One the BAD NEW front

I've gained 17 pounds. 
I don't know how long it took me to gain it all back but I do know that about February/March I just gave up on even pretending that I was on a diet.

Anywho, I'm back.  I get a lot more Internet freedom at the new job, I got my laptop back, hot spot on my phone, WW etools on my phone and I am ready to rock these sticking pounds off my body.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Flash Back

This is circa 1991. 

Why is it that as women we are never satified on how thin we are? I recall all of high school thinking I was fat and needed to loose weight.  I honestly don't remember what size I was back them but it sure would be nice to be at that size again.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

I'm Imperfect

i-am-imperfect post by Fat Mum Slim made me cry when I finished reading it and the comments.

Her post validated who I am, and that I am not the crazy one in my family and shame on them for shaming me and giving me anxiety for the way I live my life or keep my home.  You guys have no idea what anxiety comes over me when my mom enters my place, I feel like I need to be constantly cleaning/moving. Seriously people who live in glass houses should not throw stones, just cuz they wash their dishes every day does not make them perfect.

FUCK ALL OF YOU who have ever made me feel inferior, I might of given you that power before but I like my imperfections, they make me feel normal.

I'm Imperfect
I loathe to wash dishes, and they can stay in my sink for ever.
I leave laundry out for weeks at a time, sometimes just grab clothes from the pile to wear
I get to wrapped on novels that I can't put them down and ignore things
I pretend I am listening, when I am not
Sometimes I just don't want to spend any time with my kids
I start a new diet every month
I procrastinate
I eat out to way to much
I'm loud.  My voice raises when I get excited and even more when I am angry.
I sound upset when I am not
I'm always counting my pennies and swear it's the last time and I repeat the cycle every paycheck
I hide my emotions
I don't like to cry in front of people
I put way too many unrealistic expectation on myself.
I'm somewhat of a hoarder but that's is genetics.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Fresh Start - New Resolutions

I’m going to treat March 1st as January 1st, time for a fresh start – new resolutions.

Quote #49: If you don't dare to begin, you don't stand a chance of getting there.

I honestly can’t believe that 2 months have just slipped by and that I only lost 2.2 pounds, that is just a damn shame, but what can I do, there is no use to cry over spilled milk, I just need to get up and dust myself off and keep on truckin’.

Quote #10: Identify what you want and go for it.

There are so many things I want to accomplish in March, but the main one is that I am going to take the month off weight watchers. The flexibility that I used to love of the program is just not working for me at the moment. I am still going to be on an eating program just not weight watchers. It’s a program I came across last summer and it’s been the only program that has worked for me. The weight I lost on it, is still off.

This is what I want to accomplish in March

  1.  31 days of Sanisimo by Entrenador Jose Fernandez
    1. 3 days Ketosis
    2. 7 Days Drop a Pants Size
    3. 7 Days
    4. 7 Days Drop a Pants Size
    5. 7 Days
  2. 30 Day Shred
  3. 15,000 Steps a Day
  4. Picture a Day
  5. Dress Up every day

Quote #9: Risk a change, overcome fear and win.

This is A LOT and it stresses me out a bit to know that it is a lot to take on in one month but I think I need this right now, I've had a lot of down time all of my life. I'm a couch potato to the bone and this scares me. I would much rater be curled up in the couch reading a book, surfing the net and watching reality TV.

The voice in my head is telling me "What if it's yet another thing that I fail?" but I need to challenge myself. BUT I have to try, there are some other things going on in my life that are playing with my brain and taking up room up there that really shouldn't be. Hopefully this plan will occupy my brain and help me deal through this.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Dr. Oz’s Tangerine Weight-Orade Recipe

Dr. Oz’s Tangerine Weight-Orade Recipe…
For a powerful metabolism-boosting drink, try Dr. Oz’s Tangerine Weight-Orade. It contains: green tea, shown to boost metabolism 12% by drinking just one cup; tangerine, with a chemical composition that increases sensitivity to insulin and stimulates genes that help to burn fat; and mint, a calorie-free flavor enhancer.

In a large pitcher, combine: 8 cups of brewed green tea / 1 tangerine, sliced / A handful of mint leaves / Stir this delicious concoction up at night so all the flavors fuse together. Drink 1 pitcher daily for maximum metabolism-boosting.

knotted head band

I believe this might be my second resolution of the year.  I wanted to make homemade items for christmas and there are a lot of females in the family. I was thinking scarf, but this is so much easier.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

a size 18 trapped in a size 16 pants

I took an unplanned sabbatical from the blog; I had a pity party, was sick and the 3 owner’s have been in the office on daily basis.  But the laptops have been fixed to catch the internet at home and the goal is to post on a daily or at least a weekly basis.

On to the reason for my pity party as it ties in to my last post. I did awesome on my game plan I tracked, made the best food choices, I walked 15,000 – 20,000 steps a day, got up early to exercise and I get to WW meeting and I had a gain of 0.2.  Yes, it’s a small gain but it was still a gain and I busted my ass off all week and I wanted to get out of the 200’s and blah blah blah that I just deflated myself. So I went on a pity party but on the very plus side that I even couldn’t go full blown gorging, I just can’t.  Yes, I made some bad food choices and I headed to the yellow hostess cupcakes as soon as I left the meeting but we all know it could have been much worse but I just couldn’t.

Then I got sick, and just totally drained. My brain wanted to get me back on track but my body just didn’t want to.  I skipped WW this past week and felt so guilty about it, but I didn’t do anything WW related and it just wasn’t worth going and spending the fee on it.  The only reason I did want to go to the meeting cuz I think I have lost some weight; my clothes are feeling so much looser and I no longer need to suck in my gut to button up my pants. I was definitely a size 18 trapped in a size 16 pants.

I’ll be at the meeting this Saturday, it will be the last weigh in for the Shrink Yo’ Self challenge and hopefully I am out of the 200’s for good.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Game Plan

After my rant from below, I started to form a game plan and honestly if I don’t follow through with this I don’t know what I will do.  Maybe if I don’t follow through I just need to totally give up on losing weight if I am not going to put the effort into it. So whatever I do in the next week will be totally consciously, so it’s do or die time for me. I have done a half ass job during this past decade on my weight loss journey.  I have joined gyms, I have join weight watchers, I have done Atkins, and I have done a whole bunch of other diets but all half heartedly.

I can only recall twice in this past decade where I was giving it my all.  The first was when I lost 25 lbs with WW, where I was meticulous in counting my points and even traveling with my George Forman grill.  The second was shortly before my last lay off where I was a feen at the gym. I also do recall that while I was being a feen at the gym I was getting lip at home from being away so long and guilt trips, but I was on a mission and didn’t let it bother me too much.

Here is the plan,
Menu Plan
I am making a menu plan and I am not deviating from it at all. My kids want to eat fine, if not oh well. I have to remember my anchor and that I am (ME) also included in this life.
Starting Sunday with my new WW week, I am going to track everything I eat.
I am going to plan my meals for the week, and not deviate from them.  I will already have my points planned out for the week and also include some snacks in case I have to use my extra points.
I’m already doing great on this because but I am going to keep at it with the 10,000 steps a day.
Sweat to the Oldies
It’s time to unwrap my new DVD and start sweating with Richard Simons. This is to be done 3 times during the week in the morning. That way if I want to have some time with the kids in the evening, exercise has been put out of the way.

All in all this is not an ambitious plan; it’s a very logical one.  I should have been doing this from the get go but only my subconscious knows why I wasn’t. 

Tub full of soup

A co-worker and one of my sisters were/are doing the cabbage soup diet and I got the great idea that I was going to do it too.  Two nights ago I went grocery shopping, left all the ingredients simmer in the crock pot over night and by the end of Day 1 I was done with the diet.

Whatever possessed me to think I could follow through with it, in all the times I have attempted this diet I have never passed Day 3. Oh but wait I did want the quick loss and I got the fabulous thought it would be a great financial saving to eat the same thing every day. And that people is why I have I huge tub of unappetizing soup in my fridge.


Here I am frustrated with myself once again. I’m spending money on WW just to use their scale; something I said I would never do again. The only plus side is that this time I am sticking around for the meetings and I am learning a lot from the meetings. 

The problem is me and how I run my household, and I honestly having put much thought in fixing the problem within me.  I bring in really bad food into my home because I have made my children extremely picky eaters. AND it’s also the guilt I fee to want to work on me. If either of my kids are in the living room watching TV with me and I know I should be working out to a DVD, I feel guilty that I don’t want to spend time with them. Then my daughter has me running all over town on weekend when I really just want to go on a hike. I also have an ex who won’t take the kids for the weekend, he would much rather hang out with them at my place and then that makes me feel guilty cuz the kids are spending time with their dad. It’s been a year since the split and I have been on mommy duty every day, and I’m a little burn of it.

So here I am frustrated, financially challenged with a huge tub of soup.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Weigh Loss Jar

I came across this picture yesterday, and loved the idea

That I got home and did my own version, I want to make it prettier and not use christmas ornaments but this will do for now.

I love how this person has a big pink diamond for what I am assuming is her weight loss goal, and noticed that there are some smaller pink diamonds for what I am guessing are 10 pounds marks.

I used glitter ornaments (red & green)  for the 10 pound marks and a silver glitter ornament for the 70 pound mark.

Shrink Yo' Self Check In

Well I am down, 1 pound away from 5 pounds and 3.6 from being in onderland again. I should be excited but I'm not. I know that I am being a little to hard on myself and but honestly I really don't want to be celebrated when I hit the 5 pound mark cuz I have already been there done that, I will start celebrating once I hit onderland again.

I joined a group on the 'Hood 52 Small Changes: One Year to a Happier, Healthier You, this weeks fitness challenge went hand in had with this week small change to get our self moving.

These are the small changes so far for, and the theory is to carry each change with us every week, but the end of the year we should have created 52 new habits and be Happy and Healthier.  Who doesn't want to aim for that?
1. Drink 1/2 your body weight in water
I have been doing okay on this since the first shrinkvivor challenge but weekends are my downfall but I am still trying to make a conscience effort to drink water in the weekends.
2. Sleep 7-8 hours
I have been hitting the sack at 11:00 and waking up between 6:30 - 7:00.  I don't sleep most of those hours, I have had issues for a bit with my sleep, but I am aiming for those 7 hours, it's not like I wake up on purpose.
3. Keep off the couch: move around
I rock this week with my pedometer.  I took the train in to work most of the week and on a couple of days I hit 20,000 steps.

This week is to journal our food.  I've always had issues with this and I have been journaling but not tracking my points, baby steps.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Not happy at all with my weigh in today, granted I am having a splendid visit with TOM, I still don't like that number.  I'm just very unhappy that I'm inching closer to my starting weight. I stewed in my misery for the first 20 minutes if the meeting, I wasn't paying attention to anything that was being said, I was just mentally beating myself up. Then when I did start listening, I learned some great stuff. but it still didn't change the fact that I gained but I have to take it one day at a time and I did buy the spedometer to keep me moving.

Next week will be better.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

10,000 Steps

I’ve been contemplating buying a new WW pedometer since my old one gave out on me a few months back. The first (and only time) I did the 10,000 steps a day project, I actually enjoyed it. I enjoy the challenge of it, the competition between me and the little device but just thinking about it it’s a competition against me. That’s pretty cool.

I don’t remember if the first time around was easy but this hasn’t been an easy task. I’ve been struggling for those steps. There has been A LOT of aimless pacing around my home. But hey the pedometer does have me moving, if it weren’t for it I would still be sedentary sitting on my couch watching reality TV.

On Friday, I decided to step it up a notch and I decided to take the train to work; this forced me to walk a few blocks and add steps because of it. On Saturday I parked way on the other side during my errands and that sure boosted up my steps.

Monday 8,877
Tuesday 10,504
Wednesday 10,061
Thursday 6,702
Friday 13, 175
Saturday 18,148

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Things in my head

Shortly after I had set my New Year Resolutions, I had to eliminate one of them. We have decided that we will not be having a party for my daughter’s 15th birthday but take a trip somewhere.  So that leaves me with only one resolution but there are so many other goals floating in my head.

  • 10,000 steps a day
  • Stop Smoking
  • 30 Day Shred
  • Sweating to the Oldies
  • Blog Regularly
  • Picture a Day
  • New Thing a Day
  • Run 5K
  • Run ½ Marathon
  • Try New Recipes
  • Crock Pot once a week
  • Moister Feet
  • Gratitude Journal
  • Eating In
  • Pay off 3 Debts
  • Travel
  • Tattoo
  • Donate Palettes
  • New Job
  • Learn to use Twitter
  • Get Contacts
  • Give up FaceBook for a month
  • Decorate home for every holiday
  • Read a Classic
And I’m sure there are a few more floating around in my head that I can’t think of now. These were all floating around when I made up my resolution but they have been in my brain for a bit that I have made them resolutions in the past but never followed through, but I can’t get them out of my head and not to the point where I am going to jump and do them but just that I want to do them and here we are almost to the middle of the year and the whole “picture a day” and “a new thing a day” are pretty much eliminated but what if I do it for just one month? 

So far I have stopped smoking, started walking 10,000 steps a day and gave up caffeine. The turmoil in my head hasn’t quieted down yet but I think I have come up with a plan, there’s 24 items and if I break them down to doing 2 a month they might become habit and just continue them on, well except for giving up facebook: I don’t want to give it up forever but I feel that I can do other things than sit on the couch surfing FB for the gossip.

Oh and I have also been doing crock pot meals this month, so far about twice a week, and have limited eating out.  Granted this has all been do to my finaces, the true test will be when I have money to spend; will I eat out or make a meal at home?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Letter From the Future

Dear Michelle,

Here we are again, taking a look back at what a great job we have done with our life. I honestly can’t get over how we have blossomed and at the same time it does make me a bit sad that it took 38 years to be this happy in our own skin but what can we do? As one of the greatest lessons we have learned these past two years is that there is no need to live in the past, it so much better to live in the present and look forward to the future.

2012 started with one singular resolution but there were so many goals floating in your head, and at the time it felt very overwhelming but you got a handle on them and weeded through all of them and only kept the important ones. For example you participated in a few major events. You didn’t let finances stop you. We have always wanted to do manor event but always worried about the registration fee. You have learned that we can’t always worry about money, we have lived our entire adult like broke, might as well enjoy it. The good thing is that a lot more meals were cooked at home and a lot of lunches taken to work that it freed up a few dollars to play with.

On to the major accomplishment of 212, you rocked your resolution. You became a Points Plus expert and met your weight goal. You rewarded yourself with that tattoo you’ve been wanting for the past 10 years. It was true, the tattoo has so much meaning and it looks great.

I want to leave you with one more word of encouragement; Life at this weight is so AWSOME! And I can’t wait for when we meet. You can’t even imagine how happy we are, the happiness you are feeling now doesn’t even compare.

Love ya,
Me ‘13

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Check In

It' s odd for me to be doing check-in today since I have moved my weigh in days to Saturday.  I used to go ot Tuesday night meetings because it was so convinient to have the weight for Wednesday check-in but Tuesday night was just not convinent for my time schedule. 

Well here it is, I am down 1 pound this week but I am still not out of the 200's yet, but soon very soon I will be back in onederland.

And I need to be honest, I haven't really been reading the Sisterhood (yikes!) but I have not internet at home and even doing this at work plays with my nerves since I have to do it in hiding.  But I did get a change to read "The Assignment" and I love it just yesterday I had put on my to do list for this week to write my future self a letter.

The Assignment

Dear Me. We asked the future you of 2013 to write your present self a letter about all the wonderful things you did this year, as if you had already done them. We want you to talk to yourself about your accomplishments and what you learned, what you overcame, and so on. Have you written your letter yet I haven’t? Go ahead and write your letter- you won’t be sorry. Also, next January, when you pull out that letter and see all that you did do- it will be awesome. You can go here to link up your letter post and to read every one else’s Dear Me letters.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


In the last two meetings I have been in a room with 3 individuals that have lost 70-75 and 2 individuals who have lost 100 pounds. If you have never been to a WW meeting, when these individuals are being celebrated they are asked what words of knowledge they can share with the rest of us or helpful hints. This past a couple of the members mentioned that their anchor* is what has helped them in their journey.

One of the members Anchor was her wedding, how she wanted to look like in her wedding dress was her anchor. Another member’s anchor started when she found out she was going to be a grandmother, she wanted to be an involved/active grandmother, to be able to sit on the floor with them, dance around with him, and play in the park with him.

I’ve been around the block a few times and have heard this concept before but I never truly had an “anchor.” Yes I want to lose weight for my health, for my appearance, so I can stop being but butt of jokes because of my weight. Yes these are all great reasons but they don’t motivate me. These are not the reason that will stop me from eating a Hostess Yellow Cupcake.

So I went on a quest to find me an “anchor.” What is the true reason for me wanting to lose weight? There were typical answers as mentioned above and there was also my kids and myself. And then once I thought of my kids I felt guilty that I just wasn’t feeling it to make them my anchor. And I just wasn’t getting why I didn’t even want to make me my own anchor. So I dove a bit deeper to find out why two 3 best reasons in my live were just not clicking, and I found out that I was just generalizing us. I wasn’t thinking past our human form. What would it mean for the 3 of us for me to lose this weight, and once I started thinking in that direction it clicked. I am doing this for us, and that’s how I came up with JAyME

Junior Amanda y (in Spanish y means &) ME. I also like that it can be said as YAY ME!

Amidst the confusion of the times, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives. - Thomas S. Monson

Monday, January 09, 2012

10,000 a day

In my weight loss journey I have tried just about everything. I don’t recall when I did the 10,000 steps a day thing but I have done it and did really well on it until my pedometer gave out.  I tried to have the batter replaced but it just gone, and I don’t believe there is any warranty on these things.  This activity has been in the back of my brain to do again but my finances told me I had to wait. Then when I had to really think about how I was going to achieve my goals, this was a thing I knew I needed to add back to my regimen, especially since I enjoy the challenge of trying to figure out how I am going to get to 10,000 and get super excited when I go beyond it.

And I think I scored, since this week the pedometers were on sale, I paid $19.00 for it.
 There a two things that I like about the pedometer. One: it translates my steps I take into points plus that I can use is I choose to. Two: it keep a record of the steps I take for the week.

 I'm ready to start this week off, my goal is to wear pants/jeans all week along with my Reboks Easy Tone.

Friday, January 06, 2012


It’s extremely fitting that on the day of Epiphany, I have the best epiphany of my life.
In a couple of weeks I will be celebrating my one year anniversary of being single and I started to questions one major thing in my life; my relationship status. Why am I still single and why don’t I want to date. This train of thought probably came from a few people asking me if I had started dating, if I wanted to date, to actually telling me that I needed to date and that I needed a man in my life. Then my niece who just 5 months ago split from a long term relationship went into another relationship, I started to question if there was something wrong with me. WHY DON’T I WANT TO DATE! Has been loud and center in my brain for a few days now. I started to questions if I still had feeling for my ex and that I should seize all contact with him* and thank fully with his help I ended up with today’s epiphany.

I’m done trying to make people understand or just plain old explaining to them that I just don’t want to date because I am very happy right now and for now that is all I need. There is nothing wrong with me because I want to stay single. I did let it mess with my head for a bit but those were other people’s feelings I was struggling with. They were not my own feelings and my feelings are the ones that are the most important.

I have always lived my life wanting to please others for some sort of acceptance and did many against my personal will because I wanted people to like me, to not be mad at me, to fit in, to be loved, etc. and it’s time I do things for me. AND I believe this is why I am enjoying my solitude. I am enjoying the process of finding out who I truly am. Bottom line is that this is MY LIFE, and I will live it as I see fit.

*my hope had always been that when we split up , we would stay in friendly terms and actually become friends and here we have it and I was going to throw it away for stupidity.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Shrink Yo' Self Goals

What do you hope to accomplish during the next 8 weeks?
• I want to lose 15 pounds.

What do you hope to accomplish during 2012?
• Lose 70 pounds
• Run a 5K

HOW will you lose those 15 pounds these next 8 weeks?
• Attend weekly Weight Watcher meetings
• Pack lunch 4 times a week
• Stay within my Point Range
• Journal all my food
• Complete 30 Day Shred video
• Walk 10,000 steps a day
Swet to the oldies

HOW will you lose those 70 pounds in 2012?
• Follow the same steps as above &
• Start couch to 5K program
• Add other workout videos

WHAT steps will you take?
• Need to create and follow menu plans
• Buy a new pedometer
• Wake up at 6:00 am, I just have to

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Shrink Yo' Self Starting Weight

My Starting Weight for the Shrink Yo' Self Challenge is: 205 lbs

Shrink Yo' Self in 2012

so my bills didn't get paid

Here we are in 2012 and as I hesitated to write the below letter last year, I get a sense of relief in reading it now. Yes, my weight-loss journey didn’t take the road I hoped but I am so happy that in 2011 I let go of something that was even much heavier on me – my volatile relationship. The end of my “marriage” was the beginning of a whole new outlook on life, that I just haven’t been able to articulate how HAPPY I am and how other things in my life are shaping up because of it.

Things clearly did change for me in 2011, and I did do a phenomenal job in tackling the most important thing, which was finding the reason to fight and to take control of my life again. So what if I didn’t finish school or paid of some debts or even hit my goal weight or left my job but I am finally finding my way. I am seeing the light out of this tunnel and 2012 will be even greater.

Letter to myself

This letter was written on January 6, 2011 as a challenge from the Sisterhood Monthly Project.

January, 2012

Dear Michelle,

When this challenge was given last year, I was a bit apprehensive in writing you letter from the future. I was scared of having a year go by and waking up in the New Year and nothing had changed. We lived with each other for 36 years, and set out the same SAME, resolutions every year. And every year those resolutions easily fizzled away. BUT in 2011 things changes and I am so proud of you that 2011 was not the same. YOU my dear friend have done phenomenal and tackled just about all of your goals. I am so glad that we finally discovered the reason to fight, and that reason is life. Our life has been so worth it all these year but we just lost our drive somewhere along the line but that is all in the past and we have such a great future ahead of us.

Currently you are well on your way on walking on stage for your A.A. Degree, you have paid off 3 of your collection accounts, and are out of your awful work environment. Thank God for these because these where one of the biggest issues that effected your mental status.

As for your weight loss, WOW! I knew the first week in January that you would stick it out with WW this time around, and the meetings you have missed are easily counted in one hand. Tracking your food has been a challenge but it was worth all the time an energy that you’ve become somewhat of an expert in it. You’ve completed 2 5k’s and are in the best shape in your life. I am so glad you found the fighter in you again.

Here’s to a great future, and never going back to the state of mind you were in the first decade of the 2000’s.

I love you so much,