Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Person in the mirror

I've still haven't figured out how I am going to deal with my emotions of being thin but I just know that I have to loose this weight.

I need it for my health, but my driving force at this moment is to find a man :) Hey whatever is driving this motivation is okay, as long as the bus is being driven.

It's time to move on and start dating, time to leave my past where it belongs and stop constantly steering it up.  BUT there is a hitch in this plan - in my distorted brain I can't start dating or searching for a man due to my current weight or appearance.  I know, that a relationship is not built on looks blah blah blah BUT I don't feel comfortable in my clothes or let alone naked.  So if I don't feel comfortable how am I going to be comfortable around a new man?

So in my brain, I need to get down to 180, that's a 50 pound loss.  Maybe if I get to 200 it might change my views but 180 is what's in my brain at the moment.

See this person that stares at me in the mirror


I don't care for her very much.

All I see is the same hair do that she has worn for years, the frumpy clothes, the messed up bra, and the fat rolls.  So because of that, I try to avoid looking at her, and just maybe that is why I hadn't really realized how bad I had let myself go.  I used to like to look at myself. I used to like the shoes I wore. I used to like how I dressed. I used to love my hair.  I need to get back to having those feelings again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, for about 2 weeks now, I have started to implement some changes in my life.

Increased Water intake 

I knew that it wouldn't be an easy thing to remember to drink the 3 liters I need per day.  So since I'm sort of a task oriented person (love to cross things off to-do list) I created reminders on my work calendar.




Every half hour, I get a reminder to gulp gulp, and it's been working out great Monday - Friday.  I drink about 2 liters of water at work and attempt to do the other litter at him.

Light Exercise

So with the water intake, I've been having to go pee a lot so I started to do some exercises while I'm in there :)

20 punches while sitting on the toilet and after I wash my hands I do 10 standing side-crunches per side.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

According to the scale at work, I've lost 2 pounds in the past 2 weeks.
I haven't changed my diet that drastically but I'm considering to start meal prepping and hopefully I will have a good weight loss by the end of the year.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Acceptance is key


I've been on the path to figuring out my "Why" for my weight loss. The journey started a few months prior to my vaginal discharge incident but there was no urgency to start.

Then somehow I realized that the discharge could happen again. And all because this fatness is not allowing me to properly wipe my vajayjay - it's like no!

I am not going to be having a stinky vajayjay, not if I want to find me a man. NO!

Then the urgency set it because I started to realize the other things the fatness has taken away. So I just have to clunker down and accept a whole bunch of shit.

I have to accept the fact that I am fat 
I have to accept all of my flaws
I have to accept all of my insecurities
I have to accept that this is going to make me happy
I have to accept that there will be pervy men out there
I have to accept that I am the one that controls how to deal with them
I have to accept it all


In my quest for some divine knowledge in figuring out why some are successful at permanent weight loss,while others keep on the yo yo path - I have come to realize I need to know my why and to dig deep into my soul to get the answer.

Well I think in my case it's not figuring out the why I want to loose the weight but the why I keep the weight on.

Here are My Weigh-loss Issues

1. The fear of dirty men being attracted to me.
I was a an extremely beautiful little girl and because of that men would think it was okay for them to make obscene gestures and comments at me - at 5 years of age men would actually show me their penis. In my teenage years men would do cat calls (one offered to give me $ for sex as I was walking home from school.)   Even now as an adult, cat calls just make me cringe and can take me to a dark place.

 2. Growing-up people would always comment on how beautiful I was, and instead of being flatter I would get very uncomfortable - I did not want that kind of attention. 

My sisters made me feel ashamed for being the pretty green eyed / curly hair / blonde sister. They would just always make rude comments about it. I know (hope) now that it was not done with ill intent but being ridicule for being pretty took an effect on me. Then there was my aunt who raise me, that from as far back as I could remember, engrained in my brain that because I was so pretty men just wanted to do evil things to me and I should never be alone with one.

3. My exes’ insecurities about men being attracted to me. I would be so scared if I would look attractive and that would cause someone to pay me a compliment.  That compliment would fuel his insecurity and take it out on me.  Telling me I wanted the guys to check me out, that I didn't even look nice so what were they thinking, to flat out ignoring me for days or the favorite one which was to get wasted and then leaving me to deal with the effects of that. I lived 20 years with that.


4. I just always seem (or at least I feel) I am the blunt of jokes with my mother and sister. Comments are made because I am too fat, because I am losing weight, the clothes that I wear, the way I laugh, the way.... Well according to them it just seems that there is a problem with everything I am.

So, I have to dig and find out how to deal with being pretty. How to deal with other's insecurities. How to deal with men's attention. How to just deal with my life.

How to wipe your butt

Part of me is rolling my eyes at myself as I type this post because I've said this a gazillion times and swear up and down that this is it.  "This times is different.  This time I am going to lose the weight. I am going to do it this time."

Yeah, I am 100% positive that those words have been typed over and over again on this blog (and the countless other blogs I have created) 

BUT I believe this might really be it and it’s all thanks to a vaginal infection.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fatness - that is consuming my body - has taken away how to properly wipe my ass.
Due to the fatness I can't reach my vajayjay in order to be able to wipe from the front to the back.


Yeah, it sounds like a laughable subject BUT I really don’t want to have that type of vaginal discharge ever again.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Didn't happen overnight

I relate so much to the Istagram post on just about everything she said. 
Specially with the body hate part.  

Even when I was thin, I didn't like my body because in all honesty I didn't like myself.  I think I need to get to the place where I am okay with who I am to be able to see the weight come off. 

Right now this fatness is a comfort, it's my blankie. Don't know what's it's protecting me from but it's definitely protecting me from something.


 


Progression

This has been my progression for the past 3 years, and every time I re-join WW I say "this is the heaviest I have ever been. but I swear this is the last time."






This is the heaviest I have ever been but I will not say things are going to change and make all these empty promises.   Today I feel motivated (well since I saw my birthday picture) and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

This is currently my secret

I'm keeping this a secret, rather from fear more than anything else.
It is not the weight that I am embarrassed about, it's joining WW again.

 


I'm scared of funneling money into this when financially our family is struggling a bit.  I'm scared of failing again. 
I'm scared of being judge.
I'm scared of being asked "Can you eat that?" - I haven't dealt well with the question before.
I'm just scared!

The only ones that will know of this journey will be who ever reads this (I seriously doubt I have any followers.)  Yes, I know it's awesome to have support at home and with friends & family BUT I don't like the support I get from my friends and family.

When I vent about the scale or wanting to eat a tub of icing - it's just basically that - I JUST WANT TO VENT!  At those particular times I don't need advise, I don't need motivation, I don't need to be told what to do.  I just need to be listened to.

I loath being ask /told
"what's the plan?"
"what are we going to do to get to your goal"
"this is what you need to do ... "
"what did you eat today?"
"How much water did you drink?"
"you should join a gym?"

And quiet frankly I have a family who just likes to criticize everything I do, how I look, how I eat, what I eat, how I dress, my parenting, my children ... oh the list can go on.

And because of this criticism food eventfully turned into my comfort, someone starts dishing out unsolicited advise, criticism I start packing in the food.  And let me tell you I can have some orgasmic experiences with my food.

I know more than anything I need to adopt better eating habits for my health, but I also know how I react to certain things and this is why this will be my secret for now.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I was on a break

Totally blows my mind when I see it in print.  I took a TWO year break from my health.  Mind you, I willingly took it, I just didn't realize it would be for this long of a time.

It wasn't a solid two year break because in between I attempted WW again, I joined a gym (hardly went,) I quit smoking just about every month, I listened to hypnosis videos, I bought a ninja blender and a few other typical failed attempts.  BUT I do recall just checking out of my focus on loosing weight and what goes hand in hand with that - my health.

Something happened these past 6 months or so and I'm not able to pin point exactly what it is (if it's stress, depression, fear) but I have ballooned.  I could feel it in my clothes but I kept wanting to ignore it, I avoided mirrors and hardly took any pictures.

All until this past week which marked my 40th birthday.  We all know that pictures need to be taken of the  birthday girl, there is just no way to avoid that.

My heart sank when I saw this picture. Where has the shape of my face gone? I'm loosing my neck!


Then there are the full body pictures.





So when all of this was staring me right in the face, I went back and looked at pictures I avoided.

This was from the previous weekend (May 17)

How did I let myself get this way? What is making me just not have the determination to be fit and healthy? Why do I turn to food for comfort? Why can't I see one thing through? Why do I feel like such a failure?

All these questions require A LOT of soul searching, it can lead me places I might just not want to go BUT I have to try.  Part of it is for the weight loss but I see myself and I'm just unhealthy. I feel unhealthy, I feel like I have done some serious damage to myself. I want to have a loooooooooooooooooooong life and I know that at this pace I can't.

So I just need to figure out what I'm going to do to change this.