Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Didn't happen overnight

I relate so much to the Istagram post on just about everything she said. 
Specially with the body hate part.  

Even when I was thin, I didn't like my body because in all honesty I didn't like myself.  I think I need to get to the place where I am okay with who I am to be able to see the weight come off. 

Right now this fatness is a comfort, it's my blankie. Don't know what's it's protecting me from but it's definitely protecting me from something.



This has been my progression for the past 3 years, and every time I re-join WW I say "this is the heaviest I have ever been. but I swear this is the last time."

This is the heaviest I have ever been but I will not say things are going to change and make all these empty promises.   Today I feel motivated (well since I saw my birthday picture) and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

This is currently my secret

I'm keeping this a secret, rather from fear more than anything else.
It is not the weight that I am embarrassed about, it's joining WW again.


I'm scared of funneling money into this when financially our family is struggling a bit.  I'm scared of failing again. 
I'm scared of being judge.
I'm scared of being asked "Can you eat that?" - I haven't dealt well with the question before.
I'm just scared!

The only ones that will know of this journey will be who ever reads this (I seriously doubt I have any followers.)  Yes, I know it's awesome to have support at home and with friends & family BUT I don't like the support I get from my friends and family.

When I vent about the scale or wanting to eat a tub of icing - it's just basically that - I JUST WANT TO VENT!  At those particular times I don't need advise, I don't need motivation, I don't need to be told what to do.  I just need to be listened to.

I loath being ask /told
"what's the plan?"
"what are we going to do to get to your goal"
"this is what you need to do ... "
"what did you eat today?"
"How much water did you drink?"
"you should join a gym?"

And quiet frankly I have a family who just likes to criticize everything I do, how I look, how I eat, what I eat, how I dress, my parenting, my children ... oh the list can go on.

And because of this criticism food eventfully turned into my comfort, someone starts dishing out unsolicited advise, criticism I start packing in the food.  And let me tell you I can have some orgasmic experiences with my food.

I know more than anything I need to adopt better eating habits for my health, but I also know how I react to certain things and this is why this will be my secret for now.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I was on a break

Totally blows my mind when I see it in print.  I took a TWO year break from my health.  Mind you, I willingly took it, I just didn't realize it would be for this long of a time.

It wasn't a solid two year break because in between I attempted WW again, I joined a gym (hardly went,) I quit smoking just about every month, I listened to hypnosis videos, I bought a ninja blender and a few other typical failed attempts.  BUT I do recall just checking out of my focus on loosing weight and what goes hand in hand with that - my health.

Something happened these past 6 months or so and I'm not able to pin point exactly what it is (if it's stress, depression, fear) but I have ballooned.  I could feel it in my clothes but I kept wanting to ignore it, I avoided mirrors and hardly took any pictures.

All until this past week which marked my 40th birthday.  We all know that pictures need to be taken of the  birthday girl, there is just no way to avoid that.

My heart sank when I saw this picture. Where has the shape of my face gone? I'm loosing my neck!

Then there are the full body pictures.

So when all of this was staring me right in the face, I went back and looked at pictures I avoided.

This was from the previous weekend (May 17)

How did I let myself get this way? What is making me just not have the determination to be fit and healthy? Why do I turn to food for comfort? Why can't I see one thing through? Why do I feel like such a failure?

All these questions require A LOT of soul searching, it can lead me places I might just not want to go BUT I have to try.  Part of it is for the weight loss but I see myself and I'm just unhealthy. I feel unhealthy, I feel like I have done some serious damage to myself. I want to have a loooooooooooooooooooong life and I know that at this pace I can't.

So I just need to figure out what I'm going to do to change this.