Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Acceptance is key

I've been on the path to figuring out my "Why" for my weight loss. The journey started a few months prior to my vaginal discharge incident but there was no urgency to start.

Then somehow I realized that the discharge could happen again. And all because this fatness is not allowing me to properly wipe my vajayjay - it's like no!

I am not going to be having a stinky vajayjay, not if I want to find me a man. NO!

Then the urgency set it because I started to realize the other things the fatness has taken away. So I just have to clunker down and accept a whole bunch of shit.

I have to accept the fact that I am fat 
I have to accept all of my flaws
I have to accept all of my insecurities
I have to accept that this is going to make me happy
I have to accept that there will be pervy men out there
I have to accept that I am the one that controls how to deal with them
I have to accept it all

In my quest for some divine knowledge in figuring out why some are successful at permanent weight loss,while others keep on the yo yo path - I have come to realize I need to know my why and to dig deep into my soul to get the answer.

Well I think in my case it's not figuring out the why I want to loose the weight but the why I keep the weight on.

Here are My Weigh-loss Issues

1. The fear of dirty men being attracted to me.
I was a an extremely beautiful little girl and because of that men would think it was okay for them to make obscene gestures and comments at me - at 5 years of age men would actually show me their penis. In my teenage years men would do cat calls (one offered to give me $ for sex as I was walking home from school.)   Even now as an adult, cat calls just make me cringe and can take me to a dark place.

 2. Growing-up people would always comment on how beautiful I was, and instead of being flatter I would get very uncomfortable - I did not want that kind of attention. 

My sisters made me feel ashamed for being the pretty green eyed / curly hair / blonde sister. They would just always make rude comments about it. I know (hope) now that it was not done with ill intent but being ridicule for being pretty took an effect on me. Then there was my aunt who raise me, that from as far back as I could remember, engrained in my brain that because I was so pretty men just wanted to do evil things to me and I should never be alone with one.

3. My exes’ insecurities about men being attracted to me. I would be so scared if I would look attractive and that would cause someone to pay me a compliment.  That compliment would fuel his insecurity and take it out on me.  Telling me I wanted the guys to check me out, that I didn't even look nice so what were they thinking, to flat out ignoring me for days or the favorite one which was to get wasted and then leaving me to deal with the effects of that. I lived 20 years with that.

4. I just always seem (or at least I feel) I am the blunt of jokes with my mother and sister. Comments are made because I am too fat, because I am losing weight, the clothes that I wear, the way I laugh, the way.... Well according to them it just seems that there is a problem with everything I am.

So, I have to dig and find out how to deal with being pretty. How to deal with other's insecurities. How to deal with men's attention. How to just deal with my life.

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