Road to becoming an improved person in all areas of my life; motherhood, health, religion, appearance, organization, financial.

Monday, September 07, 2015

Person in the Mirror

I'm working in still being able to smile regardless of how disappointed I am to what I see in a full length mirror.

Showers, baths and Fatness

 Today I realized that my weight, my fatness has taken away one is my greatest pleasure; taking a bath/shower.

Carrying this extra weight has made it so tiring to bathed, to contortion to shave, to bend down to scrub legs and feet and to even attempt to reach my back is out of the question and the sad part of having tomorrow rolls to wash under them 😥 I could go a weekend without taking a shower and recently, I started to take a shower Monday, Wednesday & Friday during a work week.

Today I realized it's because the process makes me so tired how sad is that?

I used to love taking long hot baths, now my body doesn't really fit in a bathtub and squaring in and out of a bathtub is hard for me now. I have to put some thought into how I going to get up and not fall.

The one good thing I find in this very sad realization is that I realized the loss. It see now another thing this fatness has cost me and I want to be able to take an enjoyable bath again.

Thursday, July 09, 2015

The devil on your shoulder can be evil!

My first day in Kitosis was great until I got home. The Teriyaki Chicken Sub I hadn’t eaten for dinner the night before was calling my name and to be completely honest I only fought it for about half an hour. So I ate a 6 inch with extra sugary teriyaki sauce and since for some reason I was jonesing for sugar I had a bowl and a half of Fruitloops. 

So I was fine for the rest of the night, I resisted Costco Pizza and then I saw a bag of chips. So I had snack size Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion AND Cheeto’s. I wasn’t craving salt, the chips didn’t even taste good, I didn’t even enjoy them but I ate them.

This morning I lazily prepared my food for the day, I really didn’t want to but just because I had a bad night I wasn’t going to throw the towel (like every other single time.) So I made 2 of the meals, the protein shake and the green tea.

I did have a rather proud moment, had an appointment with the pain management doctor this morning, & had a little time to kill so I went to Walgreen’s. The first thing I wanted to do was go get a Hostess Yellow Cupcake, and then maybe a candy, if not maybe just something that is not protein and loaded with sugar and carbs BUT I did what I went to do and resisted.  Same thing at Ralph’s.  I wanted to dip my face in frosting heaven, I was already talking myself into it.

“No one will know”

“You already screwed up yesterday”

“You know you are not going to do all 7 days”

“You are going out of town tomorrow, you know you not going to do this.”

“Just start on Monday again.”

I fought hard, and actually talked back to that voice in my head.

Now, I still have a few hours for the rest of the day, and I’m going out of town tomorrow & have a few things to do after work.  I know that I’m not going to stick with the meal plan, I should be optimistic and say yes, I will conquer, I will win BUT I’m being realistic and not setting myself up for a huge failure.  I’ll just make a much better eating choice when I eat out.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Using side effects to my advantage

Well, I found yet another excuse as to why exactly I can’t change my eating habits, go to the gym or lose weight. 
I was finally able to go see a pain management doctor, and was told that one of the side effects on what I was prescribed is that I would gain weight. So guess what I did … it was the PERFECT EXCUSE.  So I gained 5 pounds and tipped the scale at 235.
So this went on for two months, and I’m still hating the way I look, dress, eat, blah blah blah. I had to have a conversation with myself.  Just because it’s one of the side effects, it doesn’t mean I have to gorge on food.  So I might not lose weight, but I also wont keep gaining weight and I’ll get healthy on the inside.
 SO … tomorrow I start kitosis.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

41st Birthday

I'm typically huge on celebrating birthdays and making a big fuss about them but this year I'm just not feeling it.

I can't even figure out why.

I mean I'm typically really good at faking it. I can fake joy, the excitement, and just go with it and pretend to have an awesome day but this year I just don't even want to fake it. I just don't want to celebrate.

Okay, so maybe I kind of do know what this fog is all about. I'm just not where I want to be physically and as I'm getting older and every year I vow that next year I'm getting fit and well I'm just getting bigger in size. 

AND I still haven't figured out how to make me happy without food.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Still don't like the person in the mirror

The day after my last post I was in a pretty bad car accident and it took me a little bit of time to recover from it physically and even longer to recover from it mentally.

The accident became my life.

Tons of doctor and therapy appointments. For months, no one was figuring out what was wrong with me (I have limited mobility on my right side.) 

It was all I talked about
It was all the consumed my mind
It made me angry
It made me nervous

It took me off my game plan because well I had an excuse of why I wasn't eating better, why I wasn't going to the gym, why I wasn't taking care of myself.    It gave me an excuse!

During this time frame, the loosing weight plan was in the back of my mind. There were days I tried to do something about it and I was serious about it and then a little something would happen and I'd be back in my comfort zone indulging on food. 

And because I do want to change, I want to be fit and healthy and I want to take pride on myself again, I'm going to start today on my 41st birthday.  I'm going to give myself the gift of health and fitness.  I'm still going on with stuff from the accident but I'm going to pray to be able to keep that stress separate from this goal.

I was thinking that if I actually hit my ultimate weight goal of 130 pounds, that would be a 100 pound loss. I've always wanted that title, Oh I lost 100 pounds, A hundred pounds ago blah blah blah.  I feel it's a stupid goal, but it's my thing.